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The One Way to Love Well as a New Wife

Today I am thrilled to bring you the encouragement of Alison Tiemeyer. I’ve had the blessing of spending time with this irresistible young lady and am blown away by her gentle spirit, her loving heart, and her wisdom that is far beyond her years. It is her heart’s desire to love others well and I promise you, this post on loving well as a new wife will inspire you and give you hope!

As a new wife, you have entered a season of brand new. Of transition and learning. Loving well isn't all about the romance and steamy sex! It's about something much much more. -The One Way to Love Well as a New Wife - Building a Lasting Love Story Marriage Series - Alison Tiemeyer for Lori Schumaker

There was a season of time when I was sad – but also happy – every single day. We had just moved 1800 miles across the country three days after our wedding, and I was lonely and sad, but happy and content at the same time. I missed home, my parents, and my friends. But I also loved our new life together, our marriage, and the adventure.

Without knowing what was happening, my man was taking those feelings of sadness and piling them upon himself as one big heap of responsibility.

I didn’t know that he was taking the blame. And he didn’t know that I could feel two contrasting emotions so strongly at the same time.

One day, after a bout of tears and an attempt at explaining myself, I said, “I can have emotions – I can be sad – and it not be about you.”

And a light bulb went off.

Suddenly we both understood what had been happening for months and months. I was feeling big feelings – like any normal woman does. And my husband was trying to fix my sadness – as any normal man does.

It was in that moment that we both learned something incredibly invaluable. We learned that loving well doesn’t mean we hide emotions, but that we remember emotions do not define the state of our marriage.

Young marriage is one big learning curve.

Most of us could probably say that we entered married life with expectations of constant happiness, fun, and sex. That is not wrong, but it’s only one slice of a monstrous pie.

Marriage is fun, challenging, and exhausting. It’s about communication, sex, and love.
Marriage is late-night Netflix marathons, but it’s also late-night difficult conversations.
Marriage is disagreeing while also trusting.

The first several years of marriage are simply a learning curve. And when we learn to embrace the season and learn with abandon, a thriving love, and tender devotion will naturally follow.

So, for all of the newly married wives out there, please remember one thing.

Remember that loving well in the first months & years of marriage is not about mastering the art of steamy sex, keeping the house in perfect order, or making your husband’s favorite meal often.

Loving well in a young marriage is all about embracing a season of learning.

As a new wife, you have entered a season of brand new. Of transition and learning. Loving well isn't all about the romance and steamy sex! It's about something much much more. -The One Way to Love Well as a New Wife - Building a Lasting Love Story Marriage Series - Alison Tiemeyer for Lori Schumaker

How can we best embrace this season of learning?

We surrender expectations.

Marriage will crumble with the weight of unmet expectations.

Please talk about your expectations. Surrender your expectations. Leave your expectations at the foot of the cross and truly allow the Lord to change the desires of your heart.

When you give up expectations, a door swings open and there is great opportunity to learn about loving well.

We grow from our flaws.

Imperfections impact marriage in a big way. And so, as you embrace a new season of learning to love, you must both be committed to growing from your flaws.

If my husband and I had never decided we needed to grow in our ability to communicate emotion (me) and understand he wasn’t to blame (him), our marriage would be struggling.

Choose not to accept flaws as normal, and grow from them instead.

We quit trying to be perfect.

It is easier said than done, y’all. I know.

When we embrace this season of learning, we throw perfection to the wind and choose sanctification. We allow the Lord to change us, shape us, and create us into the perfect spouse. We admit our need for a Savior and acknowledge that we alone have no power to love well.

Then, we live by the truth in Scripture that says, “But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace towards me was not in vain.” (1 Corinthians 15:10)

By grace, we can give up perfection and embrace imperfect learning.

We look to the love of Jesus as our guide.

We have the perfect example of perfect love constantly directing us and we can trust our guide.

Read about God’s love, His acceptance, His attitude, and His speech. Study the way He chose love over expectations and people over possessions. Devour truth about our Guide – the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

If ever there was a way to love, it is as Jesus loved.


God will never stop providing us with moments to fill this season of learning to love. I can’t promise that new marriage and learning to love is an easy process. But I can promise that it is a holy process.

The question then becomes, will we embrace the season or let it pass us by? Will we do the hard work, the deeper thinking, and the studying of love? Will we commit to growing and giving up perfection?

Young wife, I pray that the answer is yes. I pray that you will commit to loving well by embracing this new season of learning.

Years down the road, your marriage will be deeply rooted in devotion and the holy process of learning to love will be reflected in your relationship.

Live well. Love well. Be bold.


Use this checklist as a mental reminder of 4 key things to do each day as you learn to love well! Learning to Love Well To-Do List - Building a Lasting Love Story Marriage Series - Lori Schumaker
Get this printable checklist in the Library of Hope! Join below!

Next week, Valerie from Cordof6 will share with us what loving well looks like during those busy years of chasing young children around! It’s a time of exhaustion that can make connecting as a couple a challenge. But don’t give up, friends, there is hope! 

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24 Comments

  1. Hi Lori and Alison, Thank you for sharing these sweet truths about young marriage. These words resonate so deeply with me: “Young wife, I pray that the answer is yes. I pray that you will commit to loving well by embracing this new season of learning.
    Years down the road, your marriage will be deeply rooted in devotion and the holy process of learning to love will be reflected in your relationship.” My husband and I have been married almost 38 years, and I can affirm that, YES! this is so true! Because the foundation of God’s Love has been planted so deeply, I can say that HE is still helping us embrace the new seasons of learning that we continue to face today! –May the Lord Bless you!

    1. Thank you for the beautiful testimony to the power of God’s love, Bettie! Amen! Your words will serve to encourage others, too!
      Blessings and smiles,
      Lori

  2. Oh my goodness! I can so relate to this! I moved cross country after we got married and it was so much harder than I thought it would be. It’s a good reminder that emotions don’t define our marriage and that it’s not always a reflection on our spouses when we feel a certain way. Learning, growing together, and releasing expectations can be so hard but is so important. Thank you for the reminder!

    1. I’m so thankful you were encouraged today by Alison’s wise words! I loved that point she made and from the perspective from down the road in marriage, I can say allowing each other emotions without attaching them to a reflection of ourselves is critical. I am a recovering people pleaser and it was so difficult for me to not feel as though I was just not good enough when I couldn’t make things right. I am so thankful for the healing work God has done in me in that area and my marriage has reaped the benefits of that healing!

  3. I loved this post! I’ve been married for 4 years which is short, but I’ve been in a relationship with my husband for 10 years. So at times it feels like it’s been short, at times long. We had 3 kids in 3 years and are now expecting our 4th! So the whole beginning of our actual marriage has been dedicated to our children and we began to realize where we were not strongly founded. Your words were so enlightening and encouraging! So much truth and such a great reminder and I hope to use these tips for our continued journey to strengthen our marriage. Be blessed!

    1. Wow! You are in a very busy and what can definitely be a draining season of life! It is so difficult to find time for each other, but have hope, friend! The next season will be here before you know it! Just keep embracing the learning curve and holding onto Jesus. I just said a prayer for your marriage. I thank God that in these early years of marriage, you were in tune enough to recognize where you were not strongly founded! And I am praying God gives you His wisdom, strength, energy, and patience to grow in this area and grow together in marriage.
      Blessings and smiles,
      Lori

  4. What a great post, Alison, and Lori!
    Thank you for encouraging all of us wives to love our men better!
    You both inspire me much~

    1. Thank you, Melanie! You are such a sweetheart!

  5. Amber Wilson says:

    God always finds a way to encourage me through your posts the moments I need it the most. We just had this almost *exact* conversation last weekend. Such good advice!

    1. I am so thrilled to hear you were encouraged today, Amber! I love how God does that!

  6. Great lessons from Alison, as always. After 35 years, we are still learning! Visiting from #GraceandTruth today.

    1. Thanks for stopping by Karlene! Marriage is one long process of learning, for sure!

  7. Boy is Alison one wise woman! After 20 years of marriage, we are STILL LEARNING and embracing the changing seasons and stages of life and marriage. These methods of embracing the learning and growing are all spot on!

  8. Thanks for sharing these encouraging words, Alison and Lori! My husband and I have been married about a year and a half. I have heard that the first year is tough, but it is evident that we have a lot to learn. I would add that learning to recognize and admit emotions has been important, for me in particular. I have a bad habit of trying to convince myself that everything is okay when it actually isn’t, so I am learning to be more honest with myself so that I can better communicate with my husband. Thanks again for sharing these wise words!

    1. Hi Courtney,
      I’m so thrilled to read your words! Already acknowledging you need to be honest with your emotions is so awesome! Many women (and men) hold back for sooooo long that eventually they explode and the damage runs deep. You are on the right road, friend! I am praying for your journey!

  9. We’ve been married eighteen years and we’re still learning. Things change over time and with that change we have to continue learning. Very wise words, Alison. Thanks, Lori, for sharing with Thankful Thursdays.

    1. My parents have been married for almost 63 years and I think they’d even say they are still learning! Ha! Alison sure is precious and wise! I was so honored to have her share here! Thanks for visiting, Lori!

  10. Lori and Alison – boy did this bring back some memories from about 20 years ago, although I didn’t move quite as far as you did Allison, I was moved 3.5 hours away into a new state with no family, no friends, and even though I/we knew it was the right move, it was still hard and I had some of the same feelings as I read in your post today… plus, we had 2 small children at the time. I am so glad you gave such practical tips and encouraging thoughts in your post today for others to hold on to and implements. We are neighbors today at #MondayMusings

  11. Hi from your neighbor at Intentional Tuesday Link Up. These are such great reminders for every stage of married life. Learning to love is a holy process, what a beautiful way to put it. Learning to love is part of the Lord’s sanctification process He teaches each of us to love as He does. I enjoyed this post. Thank you for sharing these encouraging words.

    1. Hi Cheryl,
      I loved the way Alison phrased that, as well. A holy process! Thank you so much for visiting and sharing with us!

  12. Thank you so much for sharing your heart Lori. <3 Learning to love is amazing and hard, and I'm so thankful that He first loved us so that we could learn to love.

    1. Emily, it really is amazing and hard – all at the same time! So worth it! Alison’s words here encouraged my heart, too!