Do you regret adopting your daughter?
Maybe it is because much time has passed and the progression is not where we or anyone else hoped it would be. Maybe it is because with age the behaviors are more obvious. It is much easier for the world to excuse a small child than an older one. Or maybe it is the exhaustion in my eyes. Or the bounce in my step that sometimes falters or disappears altogether. Whatever the reason, that razor-sharp question has been asked several times. And each time, I feel my heart flinch and the rush of hurt.
Deep hurts called
But then healing called
And finally, the scars left behind reminding me I have been given a moment of
I would be lying if I said I didn’t wrestle with all these emotions over and over again. Or if I said I hadn’t argued with God or been angry with Him. I have. Each time, though, I cycle up, around, under, and through each one of those yucky places, I find myself landing in the same space, but with a deeper understanding of the opportunity. I land in a place of humility.
I am humbled for all that I am not. Humbled for all my shortcomings and inadequacies. Humbled and in awe of what God is doing when I set myself aside.
I have learned that anger, defense, guilt, and disappointment lodge themselves staunchly in murky waters of pride. In a lack of humility. They are stuck in my dreams, my plans, and my actions that transpired far differently than I ever envisioned.
- The anger comes from the broken dreams, daily struggles, and unrelenting pressures.
- The defense develops as I question my own character.
- The guilt anchors by the feelings and emotions that creep in despite my greatest efforts. Emotions that no Mama ever wants or expects to feel.
- The disappointment grows from judgments, comparisons, and expectations.
But when I let it all crash to the floor in a million pieces, I can come back to that one thing that is left whole standing out of the shards of my broken expectancies. Humility.
Humility for what I am not.
Humility for all my shortcomings and inadequacies.
I am left humbled by our God that is so willing to pick up my pieces and turn them into something He can use for good. He fills me with understanding in the face of that difficult question and He gives me the wisdom to see it as an opportunity.
An opportunity to say…
That, yes, I want nothing more than to be free from this emotional and volatile roller coaster we are on with our daughter. I want to see her whole, healthy, and happy. Doesn’t every Mama want that for their baby? God designed her. Carefully. With each beautiful strand of hair on that head. He designed her with purpose. With plans. To live filled with peace, joy, love. With Freedom. What we witness does not line up with that truth. And our pain is meaningless in the face of what she must experience in her own mind and heart.
Our adoption story stinks. It has been a messy pain-filled story with no sign yet of any lights at the end of the tunnel.
I have none.
Not even one.
And THAT is an opportunity. That is God. Only He is able to do that with our mess! Despite struggle, despite physical, emotional, and mental health problems He has placed our daughter deep into our hearts with a love beyond measure… beyond what we are humanly capable of doing. Only possible by His doing … by His design. And that is why adoption is ordained. Why it is in His Word.
Not every story is beautiful.
But with Him, truly all things are possible. He can find a child in a deep dark hidden corner of the world and design her as yours. There is no distance or calamity that can interfere with His plan. And He will place the lonely in families giving you the privilege of calling her daughter.
Next Tuesday, our daughter is undergoing surgery to place expandable rods in her spine in order to correct her scoliosis which has rapidly progressed in spite of 12-hour per day bracing. I feel so confident and peaceful over the medical portion of this procedure. It will be such a benefit to her. The curve tilts her far to her right side resulting in core strength issues, loss of balance and coordination, and pain. I know this will be good for her. Eventually, anyway! The piece that makes my heart feel anxious is that the trauma of the procedure and hospital stay have a high likelihood of inducing another severe setback in her mental health.
That’s why we need you all! Would you please join me in praying? Praying boldly for the enemy to be stripped of any power to effect her adversely? For a supernatural peace, calm, and understanding to fall around her? For pain to be managed well and healing to be quick? For me to be an undaunted Mama fighting in her corner filled with the wisdom and ability to meet her needs throughout this process. And shoot, it wouldn’t be bold if we didn’t pray for miracles! Miracles everywhere! In not only the correction of her spine, but in all the other areas of mental and physical health! And may she be a light that points to Jesus and the hope and power that is found in Him?!
Thank you for going to the throne with me. I will be sure to keep you updated with Selah’s progress!
Whether you are a family touched by adoption or not, I hope you will share Selah’s story with others as one that gives hope. May it never be one that turns anyone away from a call to adopt, but rather, may it produce an unshakable faith in God’s plan to work all things to the good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28)! That it be a testimony to His unfailing love that will hold you up and get you through whatever He walks you through! And may her story say…
“Regret? Not a chance!”
Thankfully, some great advances have been made just recently in the world of corrective scoliosis surgery. The rods that wll be placed in Selah’s back are designed to be expandable with her growth. Prior to just a few months ago, the rods needed to be manually expanded through a surgical procedure. For young children undergoing the rod placement, this meant undergoing several small, but nonetheless uncomfortable and scary surgeries. Now the rods are able to be expanded magnetically right in the doctor’s office! Praise God! Details regarding this amazing new technology is at http://ellipse-tech.com/
Blessings and smiles,