To the Woman Pondering the Abortion Debate: This Is My Story
It’s a story I’ve never shared with you here in this place. It’s one I’ve shared as a speaker – one I’ve shared with other women when I knew my story would bring them hope.
But never here.
Maybe because God knew my “such a time as this” would be right now as our country wages war in the abortion debate. Right now, when the realities have come to a boiling point as the state of New York passed a bill and other states attempt to pass similar bills all allowing doctors the legal right to perform abortions all the way up until birth. Actually … even after birth.
And as I write these words, my heart aches for a world that’s been deceived – for the woman who will walk by choice into a brokenness she cannot now perceive – and babies who will not only never live to walk out the life that could be, but may tragically suffer in their last moments of life.
As New York passes and other states work to pass bills legalizing full term #abortions my heart aches for a world that’s been deceived. This is my story ... Click To TweetThis is my story …
I was 17 when I walked into a clinic and made the legal choice to have an abortion.
I remember the day just as vividly now as I did 32 years ago. Every detail stays in this memory of mine that so often seems to fail me in my everyday life. I forget what I told my kids a few hours ago, but I forget nothing from that day.
Planned Parenthood gave me a rundown of my options, yet their counseling lead me to see the logic of an abortion considering my life situation.
Logic wasn’t drowning out the still small voice within the beat of my heart, though. As long as I remembered, I dreamed of someday being a mom. I loved children and wanted this baby. But I was scared.
I knew what I would face when I told my parents. Shame had already consumed me. Could it be any worse?
As I looked into their eyes seeing disappointment and grief in one set and raging anger in the other, I knew life would never be the same. The choice was made for me. There wasn’t an option. I would not embarrass the family that way nor would I mar the record I’d worked so hard to achieve.
We scheduled the abortion.
I didn’t know Jesus then as I do today. I believed in an all-knowing God who lived in heaven. Not one who loved me beyond measure and would never leave my side. I didn’t know His Word other than the stories that many children grow up with. It wasn’t as though I came from a church speaking sin and death and condemnation into my life. Honestly, no one brought up abortion as a sin. The very few who knew my secret explained it away as a life that didn’t yet exist.
But still … there lived shame.
Shamed by others because I broke the rules and had sex. Shamed because I was dumb enough to get pregnant.
But that wasn’t the shame eating away at my soul that I took with me that morning I walked into the clinic.
It wasn’t what had my stomach in knots and my heart tore to shreds as I looked at the many women lining the waiting room.
I remember being called back.
The nurse with a mole on her chin that I couldn’t seem to stop staring at.
The many women walking in and out. All ages. All ethnicities. And I wondered how each one came to be in this place. What was the story behind each woman making this choice?
The sterile room, the equipment, and the voice within that kept telling me to run.
The room seemed dark. The vacuum loudly whirred and then there was pain. It wasn’t quick and I kept wondering if I should scream and beg them to stop. But I didn’t and the heartbeat of a child within me stopped beating.
In that moment regret found its home within me. The tears wouldn’t stop. Grief filled my entire being. Confusion swirled and brokenness clung tightly to me. A brokenness that would lodge itself into every crevice of my being for many years to come.
“My spirit is crushed, and my life is nearly snuffed out. The grave is ready to receive me.” -Job 17:1 NLT
In that moment regret found its home within me. The tears wouldn’t stop. Grief filled my entire being. Confusion swirled and brokenness clung tightly to me. A brokenness that would lodge itself into every crevice of my being for… Click To TweetI’d fixed the problem. Erasing the shame from my family, life could go back to normal. I could continue my basketball career, graduate with honors, and go onto college just as I’d planned.
Only life never went back to normal. Ever.
The Abortion Debate from My Unique Perspective
Today I am a woman who brings to the table many perspectives of motherhood. It provides me an angle from which I can uniquely view abortion.
I see abortion through the eyes of a young girl afraid and confused.
Then, I see it years later through the miscarriage of our child.
I once again see it through the lens of birth and life as a biological mom of two children whom I adore.
And, finally, God gives me one more perspective as the mom of a beautiful little girl. Because her biological mom chose life, I have the honor of experiencing the miracle of adoption. I’ve witnessed what God does when we choose life.
“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart …” -Jeremiah 1:5 NLT
Please Do Not Hear Judgement
What I share with you today is not in judgement of the woman who feels abortion is her only choice. There is no condemnation lurking beneath the surface of my words nor my heart. Click To TweetWhat I share with you today is not in judgement of the woman who feels abortion is her only choice. There is no condemnation lurking beneath the surface of my words nor my heart. Instead, compassion and empathy for her rises up. I want desperately to save her from regret – save her from cycles of pain that will surely come. And I simply want to tell her, abortion is not her only choice. There is an alternative. There is a way through this.
My story is a plea asking her to search within herself and trust the God who loves her and calls her wonderful. Trust Him to make a way. Trust Him to make beauty from the ashes she is facing.
I want to save her heart from the ravaging effects abortion will have on her life. And I want us to pray together against the enemy – to silence his lies and still the confusion around abortion.
I want us to pray together against the enemy - to silence his lies and still the confusion around abortion. Click To TweetTruth is truth.
There is no way around it – no matter how creative we get or how desperately we want to change the narrative. We can lay legal terms around when life becomes life all we want. But those legalities will not determine what our soul already knows.
We, as women, were created and given the gift of bearing life within us. God didn’t give us that gift without the wisdom to recognize that life. Children are a gift from God – a gift we cannot ignore or pretend is not real. Our soul knows the truth.
God Loves Us
Many want to say religious zealots are the only ones that feel any regret or long-term emotional damage. But it’s just not true.
It wasn’t religion that convicted me with regret. No. That’s all backwards. It was God who loved me beyond measure and rescued me from a deep pit of pain.
God, who forgave me. Who gave me a fresh start and never stopped loving me – even though I went off course more times than I can count. With patience, He rescued me again and again when I’d take another exit ramp off His path.
The abortion debate is loud and angry right now.
The abortion debate is loud and angry right now. Click To TweetOur country is being deceived and confused by the enemy. Somehow, we’ve come to believe life within the womb doesn’t matter.
Friend, it does.
There’s another way through this. Trust the One who loves us – trust Him to make a way for when there seems to be no other way.
“I will go before you and level the mountains; I will shatter the doors of bronze and cut through the bars of iron.” -Isaiah45:2 AMP
**** Want to make a difference? Join my friend, Lindsey Zitzmann, as she hosts A CALL TO ACTION: Fast and Pray for the Unborn. Lindsey is a voice for the orphan and is currently waiting for a child to be placed in their family.
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Thank you for bringing your sweet reasonableness — based in hard won experience– to the table on this topic. While this is a hard story to share, we need to read it for the sake of all the lives that have already been lost.
Thank you, Michele. It was so very important to me to write out of a heart for both women and for the unborn. It took lots of praying and listening to the leading of the Spirit ♥
Thank you, Lori, for finding the courage to write and share your story now—yes, “for such a time as this.” Your perspective is so valuable and I pray it touches many and draws them toward the love of our Father! I’m praying for you as your message goes forth!
Thank you, Lindsey! I treasure those prayers. I am praying many connect with you for your time of prayer and fasting for the unborn. I hope the link I provided here draws others to join you! Many blessings and much love!
Thank you for sharing Lori. I have a similar story and it boggles my mind that they’ve cited potential harm to a women’s emotional health as a reason to have a late term, up-to-the-very-last-minute, abortion! My emotional health after abortion eventually led me to a place of near suicide due to a spirit of death that rested heavily upon my shoulders for many, many years. The lies of the enemy are always meant to steal, kill, and destroy. We have to keep getting the word out and I agree with you that your story was indeed meant for such a time as this. God bless your bravery.
Patti
Thank you so very much, Patti, for sharing your story here. You mention a spirit of death that attaches to us and destroys our emotional health. I am witness to that and know there is so much healing that is dependent upon deliverance. But it’s not readily available to many – I am praying about how I can minister to others here with that in mind. Blessings to you, friend. ♥
My story is very similar, thank you for sharing.
Lori, thanks for sharing your story. It’s heartbreaking on so many levels to watch what is happening in our nation. The enemy has done his job well. May we be faithful to speak the truth in love as you have today! Sharing and pinning in the hope that babies will be saved and their parents will come to know the love of God. Blessings to you!
Thank you so much, Donna. I am praying that same prayer with you, my friend!!!
Thank you for sharing your story and the truth of God’s forgiveness and redemption. It breaks my heart that girls believe there is no other way, and that people are right there to tell them the same. May your story encourage and bring hope to many!
Thank you, Emily. The enemy is good at deception. After all, he is the author of all lies. My heart is with each and every woman out there facing a difficult situation and a difficult situation. May God make Himself known to each woman in profound ways ♥
Oh Lori!!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post!!!!! I cannot imagine how hard it was to write this, but THANK YOU!!! I know the Lord is going to use this in a mighty way. I read each and every one of your transparent and vulnerable words with tears streaming down my face. I am praying this post gets in front of the women pondering whether or not to go through with an abortion. I’m sharing this with our local crisis pregnancy center for that very reason!
I love your heart and am so thankful for it and YOU, Emily! Thank you for sharing it with the crisis center. I am praying God shows up in great big ways ♥
Lori, thank you so much for your willingness to share your story. As I’ve prayed alongside many friends who have walked a similar journey, I’ve come to recognize the powerful gift this ministry is – being able to speak from a place of experience. You are equipped to minister in ways that many other godly, Word-wielding women cannot. I am blessed by your faithfulness in allowing God to redeem your brokenness for His glory. He is shining through you, dear one.
Thank you, Jana. I am praying for that full equipping ♥ Bless you!
Oh, Lori, how precious and full of love is the testimony you have shared here. This part of your story brought tears to my eyes as I walked into Planned Parenthood with you and all that you were feeling, experiencing, and seeing. It also took me back to my counseling office when I was still working. I had so many women of all ages who came to my office to deal with the anguish of their own abortions. Some of the older women had gone through gruesome things before abortion was legal. All were now believers (a few had been when they chose abortion) and none of them could get relief from the guilt and shame that haunted them. All knew – had somehow known at the time – no matter where in the pregnancy – that this was a real life inside them. They courageously walked through the grief and experienced grace and mercy. Though better and healed, the memory of the choice did not go away. Thank you for being willing to share your story, to be broken bread and poured out wine for those who will read it. Blessings and love from my heart to yours, my friend. ❤️ Pam
I would love to connect with you further, Pam, on what that healing looked like for the women you came alongside. I want to be as fully equipped as possible to minister to others – especially now as these conversations have been started through this post. Thanks, friend, for the gift of who you are. Your encouragement and support is truly a blessing!
Thank you, Lori, for sharing your story with such grace today.
I believe many will be encouraged and offered hope through what you have shared.
I’m blessed by you and by your ministry!
Love you – even more now!
Melanie
Thank you, Mel. You are such a treasured gift and I love you so BIG!!
This post was so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your heart. I hope it will convince one woman not to go down that terrible path.
Thank you, Mary. I am praying that prayer with you!
Thank you, Lori. This post is so honest and vulnerable and heartbreaking all at the same time. I know the Lord will use it to touch many, many women who need a beautiful voice like yours to give them hope in life and in choosing life. I’m praying for the unborn faithfully and fervently. Amazing that only one day separated a memory that popped up in my social media on a post I shared about abortion two years ago with the NY decision. So I shared it again using the untrasound image of my grandson, Foster. And how his image in the womb made the debate personal to me and how all babies are personal to God because they are His. This quote from Josh Howerton/the Gospel Coalition highlighted the photo.
Abortion is the evil reverse-image of the gospel. Instead of, “I’ll die for you,” it says, “You die for me.”
That is a powerful image, Karen. “All babies are personal to God because they are His.” Yes and yes. How easy it is to detach from issues when we do not have a personal connection. Everything changes when we do, though … For God, every unborn child was created uniquely by Him with love and a purpose. Yet then the brokenness and sin of our world steps in to change the course of life. We cannot let the enemy win so easily. Thank you for your love and support, friend ♥
Oh Lori, it takes a lot of courage to share such a vulnerable story. My heart aches for the pain you went through and still go through as a result of it. Just before I read this, my neighbor told me about the New York decision. So I printed this out and brought it to her to read and pass on. Stories like yours can make a greater impact on others, because you have been there. God will use your pain for a purpose, my friend. The love you have in your heart for others is so evident here. I don’t sense even a speck of judgment. Thank you for being so brave! Love and blessings of strength and peace!
Wow! Trudy, what a God moment! May God use these words for His glory and to give hope! I so appreciate your encouragement and prayers. Thank you thank you thank you ♥
Lori, I deeply admire your honesty and courage for sharing this story for the first time. Praying spiritual protection over you and your family as you step into the front lines of this cultural battle, but I truly believe you were called to speak at such a time as this. Love you, friend.
Thank you so much, Sarah. The target on my back is a bit bigger when we step out, right? I am so grateful for your prayers of protection! Love you back!
What a heartwrenching story. Thank you so much for the boldness to share such a personal memory. I pray that one woman is touched and changes her decision from reading this story. God bless!
Thank you, Angela. I am praying that prayer with you!
Lori, Thank you for your courage and for the compassion behind the way you shared your story. I pray these words will be used by God in wonderful ways to bring peace and healing to those who are hurting.
Amen, Dawn! I am praying all these things in the name of Jesus with you ♥ Love you!!!
Lori, Thank you sharing such a personal story. I’m inspired by your courage and compassion, although I already know those as qualities you have. These words and your love felt so clearly inside them are something God can use change the course of multiples lives and provide a healing balm for hurting women. You are a blessing to us, Lori. ?
Oh, Leslie! I am claiming your words as truth! May they be so! -changing the course of multiple lives and providing healing balm – Amen! ♥Thank you, sweet friend, for always being there. You are a gifted encourager ♥
You are brave and loving to share your story. Praying for you and everyone who has struggled with this decision. laurensparks.net
Thank you, Lauren. I am praying those prayers in the name of Jesus with you, sweet friend!
Oh, sweet friend. My stomach was in knots reading this post. My heart breaks for the child but my heart also breaks for that young girl that felt there was no other way. I want to scoop in and rescue her before the heartache and regret settles deep within.
The lies we are fed. That one small act can save a lifetime of trouble. Your honesty was brave and truthful and I so appreciated hearing your side of the story along with your words of hope and encouragement. Jesus heals. He restores and offers hope beyond our circumstances. Thanks for sharing that.
Thanks so much, Jaime! This – “I want to scoop in and rescue her before the heartache and regret settles deep within.” That describes my heart for other women exactly. God has done such a work of redemption in me … SO THAT … right? Who knows … maybe God isn’t finished with this part of the “so that”? ♥ Thank you, friend, for your love and support. You are a blessing!
Lori, your story touched me deeply. I can only imagine the trepidation you felt writing and preparing to share it, and I’m so proud of you for working through all that and doing what you knew God was calling you to do. My heart aches when I think of all the grief and regret you experienced, but I’m also thankful for the way God has redeemed and restored your heart. You’ve shared your journey in such a thoughtful, grace-filled way … you are a wonderful example to the rest of us not to shy away from telling our hard stories in a way that points others to Jesus.
Thank you for you kindness, Lois. God has delivered me from so much heartache. Then He gave me the passion to write and a place to do so. My heart truly overflows with gratitude!
Lori – Oh my sweet friend you never cease to amaze me. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story here in this space. I am so sorry for the pain and loss you endured. I can only imagine how deep and long lasting it must have been. Thank goodness we have such a loving God who forgives us and you found His grace. Hoping your story reaches many. Although I have never experienced this loss I have walked beside those who have. Sometimes I added to their pain due to my immaturity and ignorance. You are helping to make a difference. Thank you for your willingness to speak out in such a kind, honest, compassionate way. Blessings, Maree
This was my story, 44 years ago,,in reverse, my parents were the good ,upstanding church people who couldn’t face the humiliation of a pregnant daughter and forced me to have an abortion., ……this was like reliving it all over………..the pain,so much emotional pain , God has forgiven her, I had a very hard time forgiving myself. Its not something you ” get over” never. You live with it always.
I know stories like yours can be hard to share, a part of our lives we try to put behind us. But your words and your testimony are extremely powerful. I pray that someone, hopefully many “someones,” will read it and be convicted and convinced of the truth.
So brave of you to tell your story that mirrors so many others. I have yet to meet a woman, on any political side, who years after has said, “I’m glad I chose abortion.” Not one. You said it best…her soul knows there is indeed life inside her that she is ending. The decision stays in your soul forever. But then there is God who swoops in for the rescue and assures you and me of a blessed reunion. ❤️
Thank you, Pam. How grateful I a to God who swooped in for the rescue! I continue to pray God uses my story for hope ♥
Thank you for sharing this experience Lori, especially as many regard pro-life as a contentious stance against women yet the effects on a woman’s heart and soul leave a permanent mark, which I feel you described so poignantly. I can relate wholeheartedly with 2 abortions, one in my late teens and the other in early adulthood. Tears after each procedure and a lifetime of heartache, especially as 26 years later, the desire for children during that time has not come to fruition. The first abortion was certainly one where I felt there was no other option. The second I was on contraceptives that failed me and absolutely terrified to have a child in this new relationship which though full of love, was not conceived in marriage. For many years I supported pro-choice and defended my choices until my life completely changed and I realized what matters most in life, and that is God, and his will for us. I hope that women open their hearts and minds to your message and reflect fully on how the consequences of abortion will mark their soul, and not default to Gods grace and forgiveness, as we all are subject to His decision and what awaits us after death.
Thank you for your kind words. We live in a broken world where the enemy longs to break us even further and render us ineffective for the Kingdom. I pray for each woman who reads my post. I pray that they see both sides of this issue and that it may save some lives before they make the choice, and that it saves some lives after they have made the choice. Our God is a god of redemption. Nothing is too big for Him and He heals even the most broken of hearts and lives.
Thank you, Lori, for having the courage to share this part of your faith journey. My best friend in high school was made by her parents to have an abortion and I saw how devastating it was for her. That has stayed with me over the years as I have talked with women about the abortion debate. While I do not believe the legal system is always the best way to deter abortion, I absolutely believe that stories like yours can help women decide to choose life, a goal we can all aspire to. ❤️
Thank you, Linda. I agree and I pray my story helps another woman choose life.